ELIZABETH AND EVERYONE
by Hawkmamaknows
Summary: Howzer assists Elizabeth in uncovering a secret that could tear the Seven Deadly Sins, and Lioness itself, apart.


BIG BOOB BIG SLUT

LOVE LOVE IS LOVE LOVE BUT LOTS OF LOVE LOVE IS STILL MORE LOVE THAN LOVE SHOULD LOVE?

WHERE HAWK MAMA LOVE?

DOES HAWK MAMA NEED MORE TOOBLER LOVE?

HAWK MAMA NOT SURE IF HAWK MAMA IS THE REAL HAWK MAMA

HAWK MAMA TOO BUSY KICKING DEMON ASS FOR NO GOOD HOLY KNIGHTS

HAWK MAMA NEVER RETREAT NEVER SURRENDER

RETREAT IS HAWK MAMA STRESS WORD

* * *

"Hello everyone, and welcome to this episode of _THE HOWZER HOUR_!"

The crowd outside of the Boar Hat cheered as Howzer, the legendary dapper host of the travelling talk show, bowed to the roaring applause. "Thank you all for coming! We have a very special guest today with a very unique problem. So let's not waste any time and bring her out. Here she is… Princess Elizabeth!"

There was more applause as the princess exited the front door of the tavern, waving at the crows as she stepped down the stairs and kissed Howzer lightly on the cheek. Howzer blushed furiously and gestured for her to sit on one of the bar stools he had dragged outside.

"So, Your Highness," he said, "why don't you tell us your problem."

"Welllll," Elizabeth began, "as some of you may already know… I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl just six months ago."

To the side, Diane held up a giggling baby with curly silver hair. She held the baby's arm to wave at the crowd, and they "Awwwwwwwww" and wave back.

"And then I had seven more children," she continued.

Diane juggled the rest of Elizabeth's babies, bringing the tally to eight in total.

"They are beautiful," said Howzer. "What's their names?"

Elizabeth smiled brightly and said, "There's Joseph, and Celeste, and Mark, and Lauren, and Tiffany, and Moonbeam, and Starscream, and Salt."

Howzer frowned. "Those are some… unusual names at the end there."

"Well," Elizabeth said sheepishly. "I started out fine, but the pain was so bad at the end I just started yelling things. Then for the last baby I looked around and named her after the first thing I saw." She waved at one of the babies and said, "Hi there, Salt!"

"Hmm, well, okay," Howzer continued. "But there's a dilemma surrounding these babies, isn't there?"

"Yes," said Elizabeth, hanging her head in shame. "I don't know who their father is."

The crowd gasped and Elizabeth looked up, pleadingly. "It happened the night Sir Meliodas came back from the dead! We had a huge party at the tavern, and everyone got drunk, very drunk. Extremely so, and well… I may have… had relations… with a few different men."

The entire crowd gasps loudly, some jumping up and hollering from their chairs.

"Let's bring those men out now!" Howzer shouted, and the tavern door opened. Meliodas, Estarossa, and Zeldris all step out, scowling at one another as they took their seats. Meliodas gives Elizabeth a squeeze as she slides down the row of bar stools, while Estarossa gives her a devilish smile. Zeldris is the only one who keeps his blackened demeanor as he takes his own seat.

"Welcome, boys," Howzer said. "How did this happen?"

The three brothers all looked at each other before Meliodas said, "Well, as the princess explained, we all got a bit drunk. I mean, how much do you think I would have had to drink in order to party with these two?" He laughed and slapped Estarossa on the shoulder. "I mean, this guy stabbed me with seven swords! Do you know how _hard_ it was to come back from that? And that fucker-" He points to Zeldris as he continues, "Am I allowed to say fucker? Anyway, that fucker cut my arm off!" Meliodas shakes his head. "We were drunk, what can I say?"

Howzer turns to get Zeldris side of the story, but he turns his black eyes towards him, silently.

Howzer cleared his throat and leaned in towards Meliodas. "That's not what I meant," he said quietly. "I mean… how do you…? I've never…?" He wiggles his eyebrows, and everyone, guests and audience alike, murmur in understanding. Meliodas nods and leans over, whispering in his ear, and Howzer goes white. "Well then," he said, sitting back up and adjusting his note card, "Let's get right to it!"

Merlin enters from the back of the Boar Hat, holding Aldan in front of her. "Let's give a warm welcome to our resident paternity tester, the amazing mage herself, the Boar Sin of Gluttony, Merlin!"

The crowd goes wild as Merlin smiles. "Oh Howzer," she said, pinching his cheek, "you do flatter me."

Howzer cleared his throat. "Now, Merlin, can you look in your crystal ball thing and tell us…" He gestures to the crowd and they chant together "WHO! IS! THE! FATHER?!"

Merlin peers inside the Orb, and for several seconds there is a hushed silence. Then she smiles again. "I have your answer." She leans over and whispers in Howzer's ear, and the three brothers lean forward eagerly.

"I see," Howzer said gravely, nodding. "Meliodas, you're the oldest, we'll start with you." He scrambles his note cards together before reading, "Meliodas, in the case of Joseph, Celeste, Mark, Lauren, Tiffany, Moonbeam, Starscream, and Salt, you… ARE NOT THE FATHER!"

The crowd screams, some in happiness, and some in disgust, as Meliodas falls to the floor in a dead faint. Elizabeth stands and takes off running, hiding behind the Boar Hat for several minutes as she sobbed behind her hands. It took several more minutes of pleading on Howzer's part before she returned to the stools, and Meliodas climbed back into his stool, glaring at her. "How could you?" he hissed, and Elizabeth could only mouth, "I'm sorry!"

"Now, Estarossa, you're next," Howzer said, pulling another note card as Estarossa starts to cackle madly, pointing at his pale brother. "I've done it again haven't I Meliodas!" He smiles evilly as Meliodas glares, "I've surpassed you!" he throws his head back to roar with laughter as Zeldris lets out a puff of air, his eyebrow twitching.

"Estarossa, In the case of Joseph… YOU ARE THE FATHER!" The crowd roared again, and Elizabeth screamed as he whoops, throwing a fist of triumph up and slapping Meliodas back out of his stool, "NOOO!" she falls to her knees as Estarossa, while still laughing into the sky goes and picks up Joseph, holding him out like the biggest prize. And Elizabeth screams once more before taking off to hide again behind the Boar Hat. Howzer spent the next several minutes talking to the sobbing princess before bringing her out to the front, all the while Estarossa is claiming he will raise his son to be the evilest of evil.

"He will grow up to know only triumph and I will teach him how to never hate, for that is a weakness! And he will live to know what it is like to be fat and spoiled beyond any baby has ever known before him!" Estarossa cackles and when they were all settled Howzer continued, "In the case of Celeste, Mark, Lauren, Tiffany, Moonbeam, Starscream, and Salt… you are NOT THE FATHER!"

Elizabeth screamed, the audience screamed, and then everyone stopped.

"What?" Elizabeth said, and all eyes swiveled to Merlin.

"Yeah, wait what?" Estarossa blinks, bringing his son up to his face to wiggle his nose against his, already planning out his college and retirement funds.

"It's simple," the mage said with a shrug. "Two eggs, two donors."

They all nodded, and Elizabeth looked at Zeldris with horror. "Does that mean… he… he…" Her lip began to quiver.

Zeldris eyebrow twitches, but he stays relatively the same as he sit there with his elbow on his knee and his fist on his chin.

"Well, let's see," said Howzer, checking his cards once again. "Zeldris, In the case of Celeste, you ARE THE FATHER.. BUT!" Howzer shouted, stopped Elizabeth before she could run and scream behind the Boar Hat, "In the case of Mark, Lauren, Tiffany, Moonbeam, Starscream, and Salt, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!"

Now everyone was really confused. "Wait a minute, Merlin," Meliodas said, jumping from his stool in a huff, "If I'm not any of the father, and Estarossa is the father of one, and Zeldris is the father of one… who is the father of the other six?"

"I will just have to vanquish this moment of weakness. But, perhaps..." Zeldris trails off in monotone, looking to the side in thought as the crowd looks over him, and they are confused before he continues, "Maybe if I eat the child and absorb this being's souls and essence... I will gain even more power for myself?"

"Zeldris NO!" It's a surprise that it's Estarossa who screams, everyone going pale as he snatches Celeste, now holding both babies under his chin and rocking them back and forth, and his little brother scowls over at him "If you can not I will raise these to become minions of Financial and mental and Dark Demonic stability!"

"What does that even _mean?"_ Meliodas hisses as Estarossa creates two cradles from darkness, cooing over them as Elizabeth gurgles on her feet to the side.

Merlin smiled. "Why don't we ask the princess?"

All eyes turned to Elizabeth, who blushed a bright red. "Um, I might have… I mean… there may have been…" Then with a choking sob she shouted, "I was drunk, okay?!"

The crowd roared again, and Howzer held up a hand for calm. "We thought that this might happen. So we rounded up all the men who were at the Boar Hat that night. Let's bring out our next guest, King!"

" _King?!_ " Diane shouted, punching the fairy the second he floated out the front door of the Boar Hat. His body formed a crater in the ground, and he climbed out of it with a groan. "But Diane, I didn't even know you liked me then, and you had no memories, remember?"

"Oh yeah," said Diane, who was immediately distracted by her baby-sitting duties as Mark tried to set Starscream's hair on fire.

"Let's see now," Howzer said as everyone reluctantly moved down a stool as King sat between Meliodas and the host. "Hmmm…" He looked at Merlin. "Is this right?"

The mage nodded. "All right then. King, In the case of Tiffany, you ARE THE FATHER, but in the case of Mark, Lauren, Moonbeam, Starscream, and Salt, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER."

All four men turned and glared at the ever reddening Elizabeth. "There could have been another…"

One by one, the rest of the sins emerged from the Boar Hat for their fate:

"BAN, in the case of Mark, YOU ARE THE FATHER!"

"GOWTHER, in the case of Lauren, YOU ARE THE FATHER!"

"ESCANOR, in the case of Moonbeam, YOU ARE THE FATHER!"

Meliodas was passed out, held up by King, as each father was announced, and everyone grumbled as they moved down stools _again_ to make way for the ever growing list of sperm donors. "Well, we're out of Sins," Estarossa said. "Who fathered the last two?"

"I'm glad you asked!" Howzer said with a grin. "Come on out here, Holy Knight Gilthunder!"

The crowd gasped in shock, and Margaret stood up in the crowd as the tall knight stepped out. "Gilthunder, how could you!" she cried, turning and running to scream behind the Boar Hat.

Howzer shrugged as they all moved down a stool, and Gilthunder perched regally on his. "Now Gilthunder," he read, "in the case of Starscream, YOU ARE THE FATHER!" Margaret's screams from behind the Boar Hat matched Elizabeth's, but everyone else sighed, now bored of this game.

"Well there's only one more major male character left," Ban said. "I'm guessing Griamore is in there?"

Howzer grinned. "Griamore, you say? Yes! And not only Griamore, but we have Dreyfus, Hendrickson, Slader, Helbram, Gustaf, Death Pierce, Arthur, Zaratras, Dale, Zeal, Baltra, Gloxinia, Cain, and Monspiet!"

"Wait, half these guys are dead," King said.

"Yeah," said Gilthunder, "and one of them is her father!"

One by one, the other men in Elizabeth's life (and inside Elizabeth, if you know what I mean) came filing out. But as the group moved down one stool at a time, an unusual thing happened…

" _NONE_ OF YOU ARE THE FATHER!" Howzer announced.

"WHAT?!" they collectively groaned, and Meliodas stumbled to his feet, raising his hand for silence.

"Elizabeth," he said, turning to her, "you have slept with every person we could think of. Please, tell me that Salt is mine. I'll raise the fuck out of baby Salt, I swear it." He went to her, going down on one knee, and took her hands in hers. "I'll raise all the babies, and I'll marry you, if you'll have me."

The crowd went " _Oooooooooooooo_ " as Elizabeth teared up. But as she nodded yes, Meliodas said, "Just please, tell me the father isn't Hawk."

Elizabeth gasped, then hauled back and smacked the Dragon Sin in the face. "You're disgusting!" she spat, yanking her hands from his. "I would _never_ have sex with a pig!"

The audience booed, half at Meliodas for asking and half at Elizabeth for never fucking a pig. He stood and shouted, "Then who is it?!" he roars, picking up his stool and throwing it into the air, the wooden piece of furniture screaming mentally as it entered space and crashed against the moon, splintering into a billion pieces- never to be remembered or missed by anyone, it's existence needless.

"It's me," came a voice, and all turned around. At the top of the Boar Hat's steps stood Guila. She smiled at the shocked faces and stepped down, walking around the incredibly long row of stools to take Elizabeth's hand. "I'm Salt's father."

Everyone's head swiveled to Merlin, who nodded. "She's the father all right."

"But how?" Ban yelled, jumping to his feet. "You're just a girl!"

Guila threw her head back and laughed. "You really missed out when you rejected me and Jericho," she said, whipping open her armor, and revealing…

A vagina.

"That explains nothing," Gowther said, and the rest nodded their agreement.

"Okay, fine," Guila said. "I collected some of Ban's sperm one time when he jacked off thinking about his dead fairy girlfriend and splooged into one of King's jackets."

"WHAT?!" King and Diane shouted, as Ban jumped up and pumped his fist into the air. "Woo hoo!" he shouted. "I got two, and none of you got two! I win!"

"Well," Howzer said, rising to his feet, "That about does it for now."

"Wait!" Meliodas shouted. "But who does Elizabeth pick?"

All eyes turn to you. "None of you!" she yelled angrily. "I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need no man!"

"YEAH!" Diane yells, throwing up her fist into the air, only to shout whoops as a baby goes sailing, but she catches it just in time.

"YES! WE ARE INDEPENDANT!" Margaret screams, slightly hysterical as Gilthunder cries at her feet, holding onto her leg, and she shakes him off, "INDEPENDANT!"

Elizabeth stomped back into the Boar Hat, a trail of independent woman trailing behind her as Estarossa cooed about his two future Demon Kings, but then Elizabeth pauses at the door to turn and shout, "And I WOULD fuck Hawk!" before slamming the door.

"Come on out next time to _THE HOWZER HOUR_ , when our special guest will be Veronica, who will show us the new spring line. Until then, keep it classy, Lioness!"

* * *

DEAD IN BED DEMON NOW UP INSTEAD DEMON

BONDE DEMON WENT FROM BEING DEAD IN BED DEMON, NOW HE IS UP INSTEAD

BLOND DEMON SAY THIS WAS A NO NO TALE TO TELL

HAWK MAMA SAY LOVE IS VERY MUCH LOVE WHEN LITTER OF LOVE BABIES MADE

HAWK MAMA IS BEING GLARED AT BY BLONDE NOT DEAD DEMON ANYMORE AND HAWK MAMA MUST NOW SAY BIG BOOB ONLY SLEEP WITH NOW NOT DEAD DEMON

EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NOT YET PUT HIS MEAT STICK LOVE DANGLE INTO HER TACO SHELL YET

HAWK MAMA RUN HAWK MAMA BEING CHASED HAWK MAMA DIG DIG DIG TO GET AWAY FROM NWO ALIVE NO LONGER DEAD BLOND DEMON


End file.
